What is this author smoking?!
by Melli
Summary: One SCREWED UP fic in which IY becomes president, takes over the world, is Sango's sex slave, has a baby, and is shipped off to the mental hospital. Cameos by Mulder, Scully, and Valgaav.


A/N: This is perhaps the strangest fic I've ever written. It wasn't even a fic, really, which is why it's so poorly written. It was actually an IM conversation between me and Emmi-chan, only I cut out all side comments and our screen names 'n stuff. (Ya know, so none of y'all can stalk us! … Wait, you can find our AOL names on ff.n, anyway…) Um, yeah, so I cleaned it up and I came up with these two sorta-stories. The first one is really short and really dumb. The second one is just totally absurd, but absolutely hilarious. (Or maybe that's just me… ~_^) Yeah, and don't ask how we came up with the idea of Inu-chan running for president. It all started with the word 'campaign'… Don't ask… But please drop me a review! Oh yeah, and please excuse any missing punctuation or formatting errors. Like I said, this was originally an IM, plus ff.n usually screws up the spacing. Gomen.  
  
Disclaimer: All right, what we got here is a Inu-Yasha/Slayers/X-Files cross-over. The only thing I own is the ideas and the actual text itself, no da? So no fair suing me! Get it! Got it? Good! And review, dammit!  
  
One day, Inu-Yasha woke up and decided to go to Kagome's world to take over. He wanted to be the king of the entire planet, but he knew that you can't just do that in this world  
  
So he decided to start small and work his way up  
  
First, he ran for selectman for a dinky little town in Massachusetts named Natick.  
  
From there, he worked his way up to mayor of Boston, senator of Massachusetts, head of the department of interior (whatever that is), attorney state general, vice president, and finally president.  
  
So he became president of the most powerful country in the world, and sent out nuclear bombs to third world countries and black-mailed the more powerful ones into joining his alliance  
  
And he became king of Earth  
  
Just as he was getting up to make his inauguration speech..."OSUWARI!"  
  
Kagome stopped him and they all lived happily ever after.  
  
THE END  
  
Or, here's an another alternative story:  
  
Inu-Yasha goes to Kagome's world to run for president, but he ends up being chased to a tower by an angry mob with pitchforks and torches because of his ears, teeth, eyes, etc.  
  
And then Sango (who had followed him) swoops down on Kirara and saves him. She tells him he owes his life to her but she won't kill him if he becomes her slave.  
  
So pure, innocent little Sango makes a sex slave out of Inu-Yasha.  
  
Kagome comes back to feudal Japan to find IY and Sango... er, in the act... in a VERY KINKY act and she gets really mad 'cause IY is HER MAN! *head swivel*  
  
So she turns into Super Saiyaman (I dunno, the dude from DBZ...I dunno how to spell it even) and she kicks Sango's ass. And then she... "takes advantage" of the whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and Inu-Yasha's lack of clothes.  
  
And then Inu-Yasha gets pregnant.  
  
Turns out he's a hermaphrodite, and Kagome is a cross-dresser.  
  
So they decide to have the child together and raise it in Kagome's world. (can you imagine that sort of scandal in feudal Japan? Here, it's just a normal episode of Jerry Springer)  
  
IY's pregnancy only lasts a week, tho, 'cause he's a demon 'n all, but instead of a baby, he lays an egg. The egg takes another week to hatch.  
  
When it starts cracking, Kagome gets called out of school for it. The secretary calling her class: "Excuse me, is Kagome Higurashi in class? She needs to be dismissed, it's an emergency. Her boyfriend is having a baby."  
  
Once the class hears the announcement, her cover is blown but she runs home to see her baby being born.  
  
Inu-Yasha is all weepy and motherly and very sentimental. He's taking pictures and deciding which of the cute little baby outfits to put on the baby first (hmm, blue booties if it's a boy and pink if it's a girl!)  
  
And when the egg is finally finished hatching, out comes...  
  
(ooh, the suspense...can you guess? ~_^)  
  
Valgaav!  
  
Not baby Val, tho. Full grown...  
  
So Valgaav come out and starts attacking everybody and screaming, "I will kill Lina Inverse! I will avenge your death, Gaav-sama!"  
  
He ends up blowing up the shrine, but everybody's okay, and they're left staring at him in the wreckage. Then he realizes that Lina's not there.  
  
Val says, "Oops, wrong anime"  
  
And Inu-Yasha, after a moment of consternation (OOH! vocab word!) starts weeping and runs up to embrace Val shouting, "MY BABY! MY PRECIOUS BABY!"  
  
Val tries to pry IY off, but IY is a demon, so he can't. Kagome and family sweatdrop and decide that things just can't get any weirder. They've learned their lesson many times before, so they go with the flow. Kagome goes to introduce herself to her son.  
  
Grandpa starts chanting spells and throwing scrolls about to protect the new addition to the household.  
  
Mom searches the ashes for the dinner she had made.  
  
And Sota says, "Guess it's a boy" and digs out the blue booties. He runs up to Val with the tiny little knit stockings and gives them to Kagome to put on. He jumps up and down shouting, "I'm an uncle! I'm an uncle! can I hold him, please?"  
  
Inu-Yasha, who has now transferred Val to the usual position you hold a baby in, gets this soft, maternal look in his eyes, and says, "Sure, Sota- kun. Just be very careful. Babies are very fragile, you know. Be sure to hold the head, too."  
  
So Inu-Yasha dumps Val (who is paralyzed with fear) on top of Sota, who is promptly squished by the 200-lb Slayers character.  
  
Val, shaken by the impact of the ground as well as this incredibly strange situation, has a regression and starts calling out to his mommy.  
  
So now he's got the mind of an infant.  
  
Kagome and Inu-Yasha, being new parents, don't know what to do, so they ask Higurashi-san, who's had 2 kids & a lot of experience.  
  
She tells them that the baby is probably hungry and needs milk from his mother. That presents quite a problem, though: Inu-Yasha doesn't have breasts, and he doesn't have teats, either. And since the house was blown up, there's no milk. Anyhow, so Val is crying uncontrollably, Kagome is chewing her fingernails trying to figure out what to do, Inu- Yasha is crying like Val and trying to get him to shut up. Sota is still squished, Grandpa is doing spells 'n stuff trying to get Val to stop, and Higurashi-san runs to the store to get a bottle & milk  
  
By this time, the fire department has arrived because of the explosion  
  
They walk in on this scene, take a good look at the dog-demon crying, a full-grown man with green hair lying on top of some poor boy and wailing like an infant, an elderly man chanting obliviously, and a teenaged girl standing by nervously.  
  
They take one look and turn right back around, deciding that this is a job for Japan's equivalent of the FBI.  
  
But Japan doesn't have anything that would help, so USA is contacted, and they send Mulder & Scully to Japan via "beam me up, Scotty" thingy from Star Trek.  
  
Mulder & Scully pick their way through the ashes to where all the people are.  
  
Scully says, "There's a very simple, logical explanation for all this. These are all escaped lunatics from the nearby mental institution."  
  
Mulder says, "Well, this one crying is a hermaphrodite youkai from feudal Japan who jumped through a well to get here. He's also the mother of this crying green-haired man who is from an alternate universe and he's just had a bit of a mental shock that makes him think he's a baby... This girl is a magical shoujo who is the reincarnation of a priestess from feudal Japan and she has the ability to time travel. She's also a cross-dresser and the father of this 'child' who hatched from an egg sent through a rip in the time-space continuum into this youkai's womb... As for this squished little pancake of a boy, he's just plain durable, and that's why he's still alive. See his arms are still moving. He was innocent throughout all of this... And that old man over there...Well, he's an alien. he came millions of light years from a galaxy far, far away to cast a spell on these people to take them home to his planet and put them on display so that he can start his own museum and make lots of money."  
  
Mulder & Scully look at each other and laugh. Then Mulder says "Nah, I think you're right, Scully. Now let's get 'em all back to the loony bin."  
  
Scully says, "Yup, I'm right about these guys, but you're probably right about the old man."  
  
So they summon their big strong men dudes to carry everyone away-- Val, Kagome, and IY to the mental hospital, Sota to the medical hospital, and Grandpa to a secret laboratory in Area 51.  
  
The firemen come back to clean up the mess, but then their watch alarm goes off meaning it's time to go home, so they leave.  
  
Now the shrine is empty except for all the burnt wood 'n stuff.  
  
Higurashi-san comes running home with a bottle and a jug of milk, saying "I've got the milk! Now we can feed the..."  
  
She stops 'cause she notices no one is there  
  
"Where did everyone go?"  
  
She looks around, shrugs, and says, "No big loss. Kagome was annoying 'cause it was tough to keep her secret. Inu-Yasha was way too moody. Grandpa was...well, I think he might be an alien. And Sota eats a lot!"  
  
One of the big strong men dudes comes back 'cause he dropped his wallet. Higurashi-san sees him, he sees her, and it's love at first sight, complete with the dreamy eyes and cherry blossoms in the background, anime-style  
  
So Kagome's mom runs off with the big strong man dude, whose name is Alfred, and they'll live happily ever after in the Bahamas  
  
End theme song: Key Largo, Montego, baby, why don't we go, to Bermuda, BAHAMA, come on pretty momma to Kokomo. We'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow! Oooh, that's where we wanna goooo! Way down to Kokomo! (I dunno if those are the right words, but whatever...)  
  
Chibi Melloss: *pop up* OWARI! 


End file.
